My Tolerance Ends Here

Have you heard about this? The Pastor in NC that wants to wipe out the homosexuals?

http://www.youtube.comwhS/watch?v=d2n7vSPU&feature=email

You know, I can make a joke about this. About how I can stand to lose some weight, or that I'm fat enough to survive for weeks. Except that this is not funny. Another human being wants me dead. Not because I'm a murderer or a pedophile or sell drugs. I'm not an arms dealer or a traitor to my country. I just happened to be born differently.


I like girls.

According to him this is cause enough to fence me in with all the other lesbians (the gays & homosexuals- what's the difference?- get their own fence) and starved to death. Beyond wanting us dead, he wants us to be tortured.


I'm a good person. At 37, I still heed my parents, I recycle, I volunteer. Listen, I can list the good things that I do but it doesn't matter, because...


I like girls.


So here's the deal. I'm done. No more Ms. Nice Dyke. I will no longer tolerate or look the other way when someone makes any type of joke, no matter how innocuous it is. This goes for family, friends and strangers alike. I will cut you out of my life like a knife going through warm butter. The same goes for those that are on my side. If you are witness to these jokes and do not speak up or defend me and the thousands like me, you're out too. No warnings, no strikes. Just walk off the field.


This is my life and the lives of my friends that are being threatened. I take that personally and seriously. I'm sick of our youth thinking there is no better option than suicide. I'm sick of people getting beaten, sometimes to death, because they don't fit societies or the zealots idea of "normal." Fuck normal, it's boring and useless. I refuse to be either.

How does such a hateful man get to lead an entire congregation? Where did he learn such hate? Who is his god?


The god I was taught about wouldn't ever suggest such a thing. In fact, he said to love thy neighbor. Not love thy neighbor unless they're gay. Why would anyone even want to follow a god that thinks it's okay to murder? Which is another commandement. So where is he getting his information from? Plain & simple, murder is not a good thing.Punishing someone for being different is wrong. Hate is wrong.


If you can't tolerate or respect my homosexuality then I will not tolerate or respect your heterosexuality. I shouldn't have to live my life to make anyone else comfortable with theirs. I shouldn't have to live my life looking over my shoulder to make sure that I don't get beat up. Because guess what? I already lived that life - as a heterosexual - and it sucked.


I'm proud of who I am, who I've become and who I've yet to be.

I wonder f he realizes that he's going to have to keep that fence up forever. After all, those straight parents keep having gay babies.

Bring It

I'm just me and that's pretty much all I want to be. I want to love who I want. Marry whoever I want. And I believe that my vagina and reproductive system belongs to me.

Since I'm gay I don't take birth control for reproductive (or non-reproductive) reasons. Truth be told, my skin looks better and barely a period is a no-brainer. But who wants to hear that? No they'd rather sensationalize that every girl and women out there is taking birth control so she can have crazy, orgy sex. Does anyone really believe that? Well, this slut hasn't had sex in...

There are tons of reasons to be on birth control.  And why aren't they zeroing in on the guys that wear or won't wear condoms? Oh, right, because it's a double standard.

I govern this body, no one else does. My parents bestowed it upon me at birth, nurtured it, and gave it the wings to fly. 
Yet there are those that want to ground it. Show dominance over it. Belittle it.

I don't think so. She is strong. Able. A force. I say, bring it on. 

Mammograms Hurt Like a Son of a Bitch.

During the summer of 2010, before I had come out, I was planning a completely different life for myself. In 1996 one of the most important women in my life, my Aunt Vera, passed away from breast cancer. It was devastating. It still is. I felt like this was a personal attack, I think many people in my family did. Five year laters, I am kicked in the gut. The matriarch of my family, my Grandmother, is diagnosed with lymphoma. Cancer has decided to pick a fight with the wrong person.

Back to '10. I'm freshly 35 and decide that because of my family history that I should have a mammogram. My doc agrees and off I go.

Then I get the dreaded phone call. Something looks suspicious. Let's do another mammogram and an ultrasound. Two weeks of waiting for the appointment. I'm trying not to freak out. I go for the appointment. We're not sure what it is let's biopsy it. Initiate freak mode. Another two weeks later, the day of the biopsy, they call me. The doctor has food poisoning we need to reschedule. My parents come down to go with me, I take one of my anxiety meds (or two) and off we go. The biopsy itself isn't bad, it's the sound of the clipper thing they use to extract the sample when it strikes that does me in. Oh, and they put a titanium marker in there so they can keep an eye on it. I get to have another mammogram.

At this point I am a pro at getting my boobs smooshed by a very large machine. I agonize the next few days over the results. Basically I had already given myself the diagnosis and have arranged everything. I am lucky to work with amazing nurses and they each had a place in my plan. I picked out my doctors. I decided that I wouldn't sit and watch as I lost my hair, I would shave it off (just like my Aunt did). But I thought, before it all goes I'll have it cut into something outrageous. Maybe dye it pink. I divvied up my belongings. 

When the tests eventually did come back I was told it was fibroid, they'd keep an eye on it but it wasn't really doing any harm.

I spent that summer planning my death, but I should have planning my life.

Letter to My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm giving you this letter to read because the words come out easier. I've been struggling with myself and who I really am for some time now. I want to share with you what I've come to accept about me. I am gay. Since admitting this to myself, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and even my depression has decreased. I love you both and wanted to be able to share this with you. I know it's not an ideal situation but I feel like I need to live my life as honestly as I can. In order to do this, I can not hide anymore. For too many years I have denied myself who I am and I won't do it any longer. You have both said that you want your children to be happy and for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy. I feel comfortable in my skin and like myself again. I am still the daughter you've raised into a woman and this doesn't change who I am in my heart. My wish is that you'll accept me no matter who I love, after all I've learned from the best example.

Pride

This past weekend Asbury Park hosted Jersey Gay Pride Weekend. I went to the festival on Sunday, with my sister, B. It was amazing to see all the proud LGBT's out there and the people that support them (like my sister). I felt at home there, among these wonderful souls.

I remember growing up and thinking about what that might make people think that I was a lesbian. Like my hair, when it was short, I wondered if people were like "Ohhh, she's gay." Truth is, I look really good with short hair. I've worn it like Demi Moore a la Ghost, Anne Heche (is that a faux pas?) from Psycho, the pixie cut. You get what I'm talking about.

I remember wearing a ring my Aunt had given me on my thumb because it was the only finger it fit on, and my Grandma telling me that wearing it there meant I was gay. I still wear it. In fact I have several thumb rings.



Whenever I met someone gay I wanted to ask them if they could tell if I was. I was still questioning things and just wanted an answer. Couldn't someone make up a test? There had to be a sign out there, somewhere. In the end though it was just me, admitting to myself that it didn't matter who I was attracted to as long as I was happy and living the life that I wanted to live.



What she said.



When did you know you were gay? I call it my "A-Ha" moment, yeah I stole that from Oprah. I can think of a thousand times where I checked out other girls or wondered what it would be like to kiss them. Now I'm just waiting for the opportunity. It was nice to see all the couples holding hands and I wanted to be a part of that. Maybe next year.



Mother, I have something to tell you…I’m a homosexual

I saws my therapist, D, on Thursday. She thinks I need to come out to my parents soon. I agree with this. I'm so afraid that they may find out from someone else and I don't want that to happen. I want to control when it happens. I want to own it. It's the last hurdle.

I am a Phoenix...

Could you be upset w/me while I'm holding this?

Now that my nephew is born (5/29/11) I also want to be holding him when I tell them. I was thinking of making him a onesie that says "My Aunt isn't a lesbian, but her girlfriend is." That's another thing, is the term "gay" usually used just for men? It could just be me but "lesbian" is quite the mouthful (twss). I much prefer to say that I'm gay.







Gratuitious Pin-Up Girl Pic

Ok, scenario: I tell my parents. Do they sweep it under the rug? Hopefully not. With any luck, they say "Whatever, you're still our daughter and we love you no matter what. Now put the baby down."

My Dad is kind of matter-of-fact like that. Mom, well I'm sure there'll be tears but not because she's disappointed. I think she'll be upset because she'll think of any prejudices I may come up against. At least this is what I tell myself.

I Do (But the Governement says I don't)

I cry for them. I didn't have to put up with any of the bullying as a teen. That's what happens when you come out later in life. I'm not saying that it won't happen to me. It very well could, but its different now as an adult. I'm not as insecure as I was back then. There are people that support me and that I know I can turn too.

Even before I came out the Trevor Project and the NOH8 campaign were important to me. I don't live to far from Rutgers where Tyler Clementi attended school before he jumped off the George Washington Bridge. Why did he do this? His roommate taped him and another male student together and posted it on the web.

I don't expect things like that to happen so close to home. Call it naive, it probably is, but those things happen in other states. The thought of another person's ignorance and hate causing someone to take their life is unacceptable. It should outrage everyone. Why doesn't it?

Now that I think about it, I guess as an adult we do get bullied, because the government won't let us marry who we want. I won't let them tell me what to do with my body, am I really going to ask their permission to marry another girl? What business is it of theirs? Of anyone's really?

This is a really good video that's posted on the NOH8 site and youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhFZ7qjrw5U&feature=player_embedded 

There's a lot more too on their website http://www.noh8campaign.com/

I was born to be brave. And I'll marry whoever the fuck I want.