Letter to My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm giving you this letter to read because the words come out easier. I've been struggling with myself and who I really am for some time now. I want to share with you what I've come to accept about me. I am gay. Since admitting this to myself, I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and even my depression has decreased. I love you both and wanted to be able to share this with you. I know it's not an ideal situation but I feel like I need to live my life as honestly as I can. In order to do this, I can not hide anymore. For too many years I have denied myself who I am and I won't do it any longer. You have both said that you want your children to be happy and for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy. I feel comfortable in my skin and like myself again. I am still the daughter you've raised into a woman and this doesn't change who I am in my heart. My wish is that you'll accept me no matter who I love, after all I've learned from the best example.

Pride

This past weekend Asbury Park hosted Jersey Gay Pride Weekend. I went to the festival on Sunday, with my sister, B. It was amazing to see all the proud LGBT's out there and the people that support them (like my sister). I felt at home there, among these wonderful souls.

I remember growing up and thinking about what that might make people think that I was a lesbian. Like my hair, when it was short, I wondered if people were like "Ohhh, she's gay." Truth is, I look really good with short hair. I've worn it like Demi Moore a la Ghost, Anne Heche (is that a faux pas?) from Psycho, the pixie cut. You get what I'm talking about.

I remember wearing a ring my Aunt had given me on my thumb because it was the only finger it fit on, and my Grandma telling me that wearing it there meant I was gay. I still wear it. In fact I have several thumb rings.



Whenever I met someone gay I wanted to ask them if they could tell if I was. I was still questioning things and just wanted an answer. Couldn't someone make up a test? There had to be a sign out there, somewhere. In the end though it was just me, admitting to myself that it didn't matter who I was attracted to as long as I was happy and living the life that I wanted to live.



What she said.



When did you know you were gay? I call it my "A-Ha" moment, yeah I stole that from Oprah. I can think of a thousand times where I checked out other girls or wondered what it would be like to kiss them. Now I'm just waiting for the opportunity. It was nice to see all the couples holding hands and I wanted to be a part of that. Maybe next year.



Mother, I have something to tell you…I’m a homosexual

I saws my therapist, D, on Thursday. She thinks I need to come out to my parents soon. I agree with this. I'm so afraid that they may find out from someone else and I don't want that to happen. I want to control when it happens. I want to own it. It's the last hurdle.

I am a Phoenix...

Could you be upset w/me while I'm holding this?

Now that my nephew is born (5/29/11) I also want to be holding him when I tell them. I was thinking of making him a onesie that says "My Aunt isn't a lesbian, but her girlfriend is." That's another thing, is the term "gay" usually used just for men? It could just be me but "lesbian" is quite the mouthful (twss). I much prefer to say that I'm gay.







Gratuitious Pin-Up Girl Pic

Ok, scenario: I tell my parents. Do they sweep it under the rug? Hopefully not. With any luck, they say "Whatever, you're still our daughter and we love you no matter what. Now put the baby down."

My Dad is kind of matter-of-fact like that. Mom, well I'm sure there'll be tears but not because she's disappointed. I think she'll be upset because she'll think of any prejudices I may come up against. At least this is what I tell myself.

I Do (But the Governement says I don't)

I cry for them. I didn't have to put up with any of the bullying as a teen. That's what happens when you come out later in life. I'm not saying that it won't happen to me. It very well could, but its different now as an adult. I'm not as insecure as I was back then. There are people that support me and that I know I can turn too.

Even before I came out the Trevor Project and the NOH8 campaign were important to me. I don't live to far from Rutgers where Tyler Clementi attended school before he jumped off the George Washington Bridge. Why did he do this? His roommate taped him and another male student together and posted it on the web.

I don't expect things like that to happen so close to home. Call it naive, it probably is, but those things happen in other states. The thought of another person's ignorance and hate causing someone to take their life is unacceptable. It should outrage everyone. Why doesn't it?

Now that I think about it, I guess as an adult we do get bullied, because the government won't let us marry who we want. I won't let them tell me what to do with my body, am I really going to ask their permission to marry another girl? What business is it of theirs? Of anyone's really?

This is a really good video that's posted on the NOH8 site and youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhFZ7qjrw5U&feature=player_embedded 

There's a lot more too on their website http://www.noh8campaign.com/

I was born to be brave. And I'll marry whoever the fuck I want.

Chicken or Fish?

As soon as I started my "new" therapy and wanted to discuss my sexuality I knew I also wanted to do a blog. Kind of a different way to express myself and maybe make sense of what's going on. I usually feel better after I've talked things out.



Do I like this...



Of course my biggest obstacle was finding a name. Right? Because trying to figure out if you're a lesbian or not is not more important than the title of a blog. As always, I employ my sister's help. B thinks "Chicken or Fish?" seems appropriate. H likes "He's cute...I Wonder If He Has A Sister."



...or this? I'll give you one guess.

Yeah, they're comedians. In the end, it is B that comes up with the title. Until (or unless) I come up with a better one. Other names that were thrown around: "Hey Mom, I like chicks," "Mom, I'm a lesbian, could you pass the peas?"

Yeah, I haven't told my parents. I've decided to wait for the time being. This is a text convo between my brother and I:

When are you gonna tell mom and dad?

When I'm holding Harry. (that's his son-to-be)

Of course he lol'd, who wouldn't? I'm cheeky. I think they may have a small idea that it's a possibilty, which would be great for me.  All my sibs want to be there, which astounds me (although it shouldn't) and it makes me feel so very loved. My sisters insist that if the reaction is bad, they can't stand by by them. That's a little too much pressure to put on me and I tell them that. B doesn't want "assholes" for parents . She's very eloquent.

It's been the best week that I can remember in years.

When I saw my therapist, D, this week, she asked who was the most important person I told. I said, S my bff. She is under no obligation to be or stay in my life. But D is a mind ninja. She says the most important person told was myself. I should've seen that coming but I didn't. I do, however, understand what she means. In order for anyone to accept me, I have to accept myself. This is like basic psych.

Also she told me I shouldn't "tell" my parents; I should "share." Telling them is like asking for permission, for their acceptance, for their love. Sharing with them is like involving them in my life.

I prefer to share.





In the moment...

Most stories start at the beginning, a few at the end. I'm starting mine in the moment. I came out on 5/11/11. I was the first person I admitted it to. I'm in therapy and was planning on "exploring" it there. Why bother? I realized that I needed to admit it to myself, not try and figure out if it was true. So I did. I was on my way home from Wendy's w/a grilled chicken to go wrap (delicious, btw) when I accepted it. The wait for my sister's to get home was excruciating and I finally just blurted out in a way only I could.

"I'm gay!" I say during a commercial.

"Ok," my oldest sister says.

They already knew (for like 5 days) that I was questioning my sexuality so it wasn't totally coming out of nowhere. The three of us - we live together - had a chat about it and that was it.

Friday, I told my brother and sister-in-law. I knew they'd be okay w/it, they have gay friends but still, its nerve wracking and she has a baby on the way. He said it was anti-climatic and asked if she "was hot?" Then he said he wanted to be there when I told our parents.

That's when I realize how amazing my siblings are. They don't give a fuck who I may be attracted to, as long as I'm happy and whoever I am with treats me well.

Saturday I tell my best friend. I'm really nervous. What if she doesn't want to be my friend? What if she thinks our whole relationship is a lie? And I could understand that. I mean, I was lying to myself so of course I was lying to her.

She's cool with it. She's my best friend, my rock. I'm not sure how I functioned before she came into my life.

Now that the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, I embrace it.

I can breathe

I can think.

I'm freer than I've ever been. I want to own this so badly. I am SuperGay!

I embrace it like my life depends on it and I guess it does. Everyone should know - except my parents - and  I tweet it. My friends there are accepting and supportive, for the most part.

I'm going to live my life. The way I want. For the first time in years, I want to go out and meet people.

I can't help but think that this has been the root to most of my troubles. Since I wasn't accepting myself and the truth, I was hiding. I'm hoping things will get better.

I'll let you know.

I can be me.